Doubting Timmy

Been a long time since I’ve done a cartoon. This is pretty weak since I’m not used to GIMP yet.

So says the Bible. Go figure.

You may have heard that Ark Encounter LLC, and Answers in Genesis, are joining forces to build a $150 million theme park in Kentucky based around the Noah’s Ark story found in the Bible.

According to the story, the theme park will include a full-size replica of the ark, a Tower of Babel, a 14-acre walled city, and a play area for kids. Admission to the park will be $45 for adults and $20 for kids, however a burnt offering will get your whole crew in for free.

Okay. I made that last part up.

Now, far be it from me to pass judgment, (oh, who am I kidding, I LOVE passing judgment) but it seems that the $24.5 million needed to build the ark (expected to be paid for by donations) could feed a lot of hungry children all over the world.

You might be thinking that I’m going to go off on a rant about how the millions of dollars needed to build this monument to willful ignorance could feed an awful lot of starving children around the world, and how the people intending to build said monument pride themselves on following a man who said, “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor,” but no, I’m not going to make that argument.

I’m arguing for the children. No, not the starving children, but the children who are going to be forced by their religious bat shit parents to waste a good vacation in this insipid theme park.

Think of those poor kids , like poor little Bobby, who have to go back to school after summer vacation and face the cool kids who got to go to places like Cedar Point or Disneyland.

Bobby: “Hey Eric, where’d  you guys go for vacation?”

Eric: “Aw man, we went to Cedar Point. I rode the Magnum XL 200 four times,  the Millennium Force five times, and the water park was awesome.  They also had this massive arcade with, like, a thousand video games. Where’d you guys go?”

Bobby: “We went to Noah’s Ark Land. I got to play in the Tower of Babel. We also sang hymns and learned about Jesus. Are you saved, Eric?”

Do you see where this is headed? Bobby will be shunned by his classmates and probably resort to cutting himself in order to gain attention. Sure, he’ll be the model student in Sunday school, but secretly, he’ll be harboring thoughts about having sex with chickens and stuffing small animals up his ass.

Or maybe not. But do we really want to take the chance?

So one of my co-workers today got on the phone to her pastor and requested that a name of a (I assume, sick) friend be added to the church’s prayer list.

I’ve always wondered exactly how these prayer lists were supposed to work.

The mental image I always got is of god as a short-order cook and Polly Holliday, channeling Flo, barks out the customers’ orders.

“I’ve got one broken leg, one cold, one cancer, two headaches, one guy in the hospital and a lost set of car keys.”

Doesn’t the bible say that he knows what you’re prayer is before you even ask?

Guest post by, Eldritchfan

My chief gripes have never been against people exercising their Constitutional right to believe nonsense, only when their craziness starts interfering with me.

With that in mind, tell me you can look at this and not burst out laughing.

Ladies, honestly, trees don’t have brains. They don’t even have ears. They can’t hear you.

Then there’s this guy. He’s so off the wall that Alex Jones won’t talk to him anymore, and how bad do you have to be for that?

Never would have imagined the V miniseries is real.

And he’s made it very clear that ‘shape shifting lizard’ isn’t an anti-Semitic code word for Jews, he literally means ‘shape shifting lizard.’

Really now, is there anything as funny as a fanatic without power?

Because that’s why we’re laughing at them: we’re fairly certain they can’t hurt us in any significant way*. I’d love to be able to laugh at Christian Dominionists and jihadists. Here’s hoping that one day we’ll all be able to.

Downright profound.

So be thankful that at least some of the crazies aren’t at the helm.

*Yeah, I know all the arguments about the damage inadvertently done by environmentalists extremists, immunization deniers, PETA, conspiracy theorists, etc, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it could be. Nobody’s going to be screaming this stuff on the Senate floor, the Supreme Court, or from the Oval Office. The military sure won’t be inscribing their slogans on bullets, and if they blow themselves up they won’t get 72 virgins, though they might get to play Johnny Appleseed or something in their version of heaven.

Ever notice that, for so many Christians, good works have to come with strings attached? Didn’t their lord and savior warn about this type of behavior?

Ah, who cares. Can’t let that pesky bible get in the way of real Christianity.

Take this video for example from one of my favorite YouTubers, Brett Palmer, aka the Bible Skeptic.

Guest post by Eldritchfan

Believers are very good at coming up with pithy little phrases meant to throw critics for a loop. Stuff that sounds good at first but is actually faulty in the logic department. Since debates don’t usually offer the opportunity to deconstruct the phrase, I’ve thought up a few quick comebacks that are (I hope) intellectually and (I hope) emotionally satisfying comebacks in case you run into one.

Remember: another word for “common sense” is “group prejudice.” At one time it was common sense that the sun circled the Earth: you can look up and see it.

I try to have sense, but I place no stock in it’s being “common”.

And beware analogies. Remember: a metaphor is a preening lie.

“A foolish man builds his house on sand.”

Answer: “A wise man steers his craft well in a turbulent ocean, despite which way the wind blows. He also points out to the righteous house-builder that his foundation isn’t anywhere near as firm as he assumes.”

“When people stop believing in God, they won’t believe nothing, they will believe anything.”

Answer: “It’s much more accurate just to say: “People will believe anything.” People have to be taught critical thinking, because few will stumble on it on their own.”

That’s the answer, not an all-encompassing ideology that crushes every competitor.

Unfortunately, the latter is more successful from an evolutionary perspective, and it comes natural to such an emotional and imbalanced species as humanity.

One of my personal favorites.

“Punch a relativist in the face and tell him there’s no right or wrong.”

Answer: “Punch a Christian in the nose and then tell him you’ve helped him experience Christ’s agony on the cross and he’ll thank you for it.”

So yes, there are objective constants: We’re carbon-based mammals with the same basic physical and social needs, but the values we can be trained to place on our experiences are something else entirely.

O’Brian told Winston Smith that humans are infinitely malleable.

Any other pithy little sayings and responses you could come up with?

A Louisiana parish school board is considering teaching creationism as an alternative to evolution in the public school’s science classes.

So in the interest of helping our fundamentalist friends prepare their children for their careers in the food service industry, I thought I’d offer a few additional ‘scientific alternatives’ they might want to include in the curriculum.

1. Geocentrisim: Science has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that our earth is not the center of the universe, but god’s very own Catholic church in 1633 stated, “The proposition that the Earth is not the centre of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.” These guys have the power to turn crackers into gods and ordinary water into, well, magic Holy Water. Can science do that? Nope. Point god.

2. Lightning and thunder is god’s wrath: Modern science claims that lighting is caused when a cloud with a high charge of electrons passes a cloud with a low charge of electrons. This causes an electric current to be released which results in the charges equalizing. Thunder is created when air becomes superheated by the lighting and rapidly expands creating sound waves. I don’t fully understand it and I doubt the kids will either. Better to say that god is mad at them for touching their private parts and leave it at that.

3. Moon craters were caused by the flood in Genesis: Let me type that again in case you didn’t understand it. THE CRATERS ON THE MOON WERE CAUSED BY A FLOOD ON THE EARTH. I think YouTube user NephilimFree should teach the class. (Note: the original video posted by NephilimFree has been taken down, but if you want to view his channel for more in the realm of the stupid, then do so at your own risk here.)

4. Dinosaur fossils were planted by Satan: Dinosaurs aren’t really mentioned in the Bible, and since said Bible is a divinely inspired accounting of everything that happened on the earth up until the time of Jesus, then it stands to reason that dinosaurs never existed. Sounds logical to me. But we have all these damned bones and fossils of the critters on display and more are being discovered all the time. How can we explain this contradiction to our students who are eager for the truth? Satan is the father of lies; the dinosaurs are a lie — see where I’m going with this? Good. We’re having a pop quiz tomorrow.

5. Disease is caused by demons: Science says that illness and disease are caused by things that can’t be seen with the naked eye; things like bacteria and viruses. But you know what else can’t be seen with the naked eye? Demons. Just about everyone at one time or another has become ill and sought treatment with a medical doctor. You may have been given antibiotics or even required surgery to obtain a cure, but you probably had no idea that you — and your doctor — were wrong all along. Bible-believing Christians weren’t wrong. They know that demons can cause both physical and mental illness because it says so in the Bible. Teach the children to rebuke their cancer in the name of Jesus and they’ll be just fine.

What do you think? What other ‘scientific’ alternatives should we teach in science class?

War. Famine. Starvation. Disease. Murder. Rape. Natural disasters. Genocide.

With all of these ills that plague our planet, you would think that the creator of the universe has more pressing things to worry about than what you do with your genitals.

But as we’ll see, god is very concerned about what goes on in what my parents used to call, ‘your bathing suit area.’

I think it’s safe to say that most Christian denominations have some prohibitions on sexual behavior. For example, it’s probably safe to assume that masturbation is regarded as a sin with most Christians as is homosexual sex. The degree of sin is often debatable. For some it’s merely frowned upon, for others, you go straight to hell.

However, the Catholics and their version of god take sex — especially orgasms — much more seriously.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, sex is only appropriate between a man and his wife, (no surprise there) and can only be had with the intent of making babies. Catechism 2366 states:

So the Church, which “is on the side of life” teaches that “each and every marriage act must remain open to the transmission of life.” “This particular doctrine, expounded on numerous occasions by the Magisterium, is based on the inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act.” 1

Translated: Every orgasm a man has must be inside his Catholic wife’s vagina. Oral sex is okay up to a point; mutual masturbation is okay up to a point. But when it comes time for the proverbial ‘money shot’ the husband’s love gun must be firing at the wife’s kitty. Any other orgasm could place your soul in jeopardy of eternal hellfire.

But what about a woman’s orgasm. The Catechism doesn’t have anything specific to say about it probably because — like the rest of us — we’re unsure of its existence.

But seriously. The female orgasm isn’t directly related to the transmission of life, and certainly isn’t necessary for baby making in the way the male orgasm is.

What does god say about the female orgasm?

Well, it’s strictly regulated as well, but not as much as the male’s. A female is also not permitted to have an orgasm on her own because that’s masturbation, and masturbation is using the genitals purely for pleasure, which is again verboten.

However, according to a Notre Dame Seminary article titled, The Morality of Oral Sex Within Sacramental Marriage, Christopher West, a contemporary educator in the area of Catholic sexual ethics states,

Since it’s the male orgasm that’s inherently linked with the possibility of new life, the husband must never intentionally ejaculate outside of his wife’s vagina.  Since the female orgasm, however, isn’t necessarily linked to the possibility of conception, so long as it takes place within the overall context of an act of intercourse, it need not, morally speaking, be during actual penetration… Ideally, the wife’s orgasm would happen simultaneously with her husband’s [orgasm], but this is easier said than done for many couples.  In fact, if the wife’s orgasm isn’t achieved during the natural course of foreplay and consummation, it would be the loving thing for the husband to stimulate his wife to climax thereafter (if she so desired). 2

This leads to a few questions, one of which is: how long after the man’s orgasm takes place can he ‘lovingly stimulate his wife to climax’ until it becomes a sin? And, what if the male fails to achieve orgasm during the sex act? I realize that according to the rules he’s s.o.l., but can he still pleasure his wife?

Somehow, I doubt it.

The only other orgasm I can find that’s legal in the Catholic worldview is the nocturnal emission or wet dream. And honestly, if I’m going to have an orgasm, you can better believe I’m going to be awake for it.

These are just some of god’s rules concerning orgasms. If you think you’ve had an illegal orgasm, call your local pastor immediately.

References: 1.) Catechism of the Catholic Church, Image Doubleday, 1995 p. 628. 2). West, Christopher.  Good News about Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions about Catholic Teaching. Ann Arbor: Servant Publications, 2000.