Doubting Timmy

Guest post by Eldritchfan

For those of you who gave away everything by May 21 only to find yourselves stuck in this world, fear not! Mr. Camping has kindly clarified his prediction: Jesus actually did come back, but he only rendered a spiritual judgment, the world is still set to burn in October.

What this means is that it’s now too late to get yourself saved, but it also means final judgment has been rendered, so if you’re destined for Heaven, that’s where you’re going, no matter what.*

No matter what.

Until world’s end, Calvinist predestination has become officially official. So rather than mope, consider going on a five-month bender and enjoy everything you’ve denied yourselves. Rob, rape, torture and kill for kicks.

And if you think I’m irresponsible for suggesting this to a bunch of desperate people, what does that make Camping?**

*What’s that mean for any unborn baby conceived within that span of days? I dunno. Ask a theologian. They’ll get on that right after they figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, or demand women cover their ears, since the only way the Holy Spirit could have impregnated Mary is through her ear, so ears are genitals (look it up).

**At least with the first version they weren’t hurting anyone but themselves and their children.

We’re quickly approaching that most magical holiday known as Christmas.

There are many different stories as to how Christmas really got started, and what it’s truly about,  but I’ll leave it to Peter Griffin to help keep our minds and hearts focused on why we celebrate this special time of year.

“Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.”

This really has nothing to do with war or terrorism, but it has everything to do with mass stupidity.

As you probably know, every year around this time, we get plenty of ‘reports’ from believers about how we nasty atheist grinches are trying to stamp out the celebration of Christmas. If you listen to any right wing talk show for any length of time during the holiday season (see there, I said holiday and not Christmas because I’m a scoundrel) you’ll no doubt hear about the War on Christmas.

But it’s not just atheists who are marching against one of the Christians’ most holy days, it’s the evil, godless corporations who insist on including customers who might not be Christian in their holiday (see, I did it again) advertising.

Thankfully for you believers, the American Family Association has your back to help you know which companies are Jesus friendly, and which ones should be burned to the ground.

From the story:

[The] AFA reviewed up to four areas to determine if a company was “Christmas-friendly” in their advertising: print media (newspaper inserts), broadcast media (radio/television), website and/or personal visits to the store. If a company’s ad has references to items associated with Christmas (trees, wreaths, lights, etc.), it was considered as an attempt to reach “Christmas” shoppers.

Stores that are selling Christmas items without using the word Christmas in their advertising are seen to be censoring the holiday. The AFA even has a color chart to identify which companies have been naughty and which have been nice.

GREEN: Company uses the term “Christmas” on a regular basis, we consider that company Christmas-friendly.

YELLOW: Company refers to Christmas infrequently, or in a single advertising medium, but not in others.

RED: Company may use “Christmas” sparingly in a single or unique product description, but as a company, does not recognize it.

I think for this war, I’m going to spend it in my bomb shelter until it blows over.

So I just downloaded the WordPress app that will let me post from my phone.

Just seeing if it works.